091228

It's been awhile since I've written. Many things have been going on in my life. Isn't it funny how Life itself can become so busy during a holiday, even if one doesn't even buy into the whole materialistic side of the holiday?

I've been very depressed for the past few months, but hiding it as best I can. Many people can see through my guise, but most can't. I'm lonely, even though there are many people around me. I miss having someone special in my life: someone I can share the ups and downs with, someone to laugh and cry with, someone to sleep and cuddle with, someone to just love and be loved by... ***sigh*** How I miss that! I haven't even had sex with someone else for 5 months! I just don't feel very sexual most of the time, and even with myself I can't really maintain the momentum.

I'd like to find the ideal mate, if that's possible. I've even been considering doing spellwork...a 45-day spell detailing each detail/trait that I'm looking for. The problem is, should I start it on the Full Moon or New Moon? I'm thinking the New Moon so at the peak of power it will be the Full Moon after all 45 traits have been requested and sent out. Now to come up with the 45 traits ;)

I'm very upset the my oldest son, who will be 21yo tomorrow, didn't even call me for Christmas. I had my two other sons with me, but the oldest never even called. I'm not sure if I'm more hurt than angry.

This area is really getting to me. I feel trapped, with no money and no where to go for help. Neither church can help, family can't help, friends can't help, and the County won't help because I owe them $230 from 2 years ago. Suffocating, that's what I feel most of the time. I'm tired of the people and their attitudes. I just want to run away, find some solitude somewhere, but I can't.

091212

Not feeling too well today. Had to get up early for work. Now my stomach aches and I have to keep running to the restroom to relieve myself. Uggghhh, I hate being sick!

So many things to do and so little time to do it, it seems. The story of Life. Oh well.

Blessings

091211

Today is an okay day I suppose. Not really happy about opening at 4am tomorrow morning, but what can I do? Nothing. At least I have a job.

I'm really looking forward to Yule next weekend. Not sure what to expect though. I've never done an overnight ritual with the coven. I'm really not looking forward to going outside and tending the fire in the middle of the night, but I'll deal.

People are getting more and more miserable when it gets closer to Christmas. I find that very disconcerting. It's supposed to be a joyous event to them, yet they seem like they have totally forgot the meaning behind the whole event. As a Pagan, I see Yule/Christmas as the birth of the Sun Child, the Bringer of Light to the world, whether we name that child Christ, or Lugh or whatever. It's still Hope wrapped up in a blanket, waiting to grow.

Blessings

091209

Today was an alright day. I finished putting up the christmas/yule tree and decorations. Went to my psychiatrist appointment and spilled my guts. He's come to the conclusion that I do suffer from Seasonal Affectual Disorder, and that he's going to do some research on their new studies...that LED lights just as effective as those expensive sun-lamps.

I've also come to the conclusion that I shouldn't hate christmas. The reason? Because it is still following the ancient way of bringing the Son of Light into the world, in His yearly cycle, dispelling the darkness. The Sun Child, as the Oak King, overthrows the Holly King and the Light begins to grow, albeit too slowly for my liking. But nevertheless it still continues...the cycle continues.

As one who follows a Buddhist mind-set, although part of the time, I still find it difficult to cultivate love and compassion for all of humanity. There are many sick and evil people out there. Many who are hurting, many who are frightened, many who are miserable...but there are many who don't want to be loved, who don't want to be social, who don't want anything positive in their lives. So I'm learning to accept that, and that I don't have to waste my time and energy trying to change those people but to accept them the way they are and give them their space. If they don't want my love and/or compassion, my friendship nor my concern, then I won't give it to them. It's not my loss, but theirs, and that is something that I have to remember. I don't hate people...I just greatly dislike some of their attitudes, actions, biases, words, etc. I still have hope for humanity. I still would like them to open their minds, hearts and spirits to great possibilities, but because of their chosen religious viewpoints, that is often very difficult for them to do or highly improbable. I offer up my prayers to those who are struggling and refuse to open up to more than what they've been taught.

Blessings

091207

Today is kind of blah day. It started off okay. I put up the xmas tree and some decorations. Did some cleaning and such. Then came to work.

I've been feeling very depressed the past week or so. I know I'm moving down into that time of year for me, and I have been trying to keep myself 'up' and moving, BUT it's been quite difficult. Most of the time I just want to turn totally inward, stay inside and lock the world out. I don't want to go anywhere, or do anything, or see anyone. And then I get bored and need to do something, but still not go outside.

I HATE Utica. No, perhaps I really despise it, if that's a stronger word than hate. It's a cesspool. I feel the energy just being sucked out of me. I've been really hating people, strangers...people I'm supposed to have and cultivate love and compassion for. I'm losing faith and hope in humanity. I'm annoyed with what I call those who are voluntarily ignorant: they choose to ignore many truths, perceptions, and/or possibilities, or refuse to open their minds to other what they've been taught and told what was right and the truth.

Oh well. More on this later.

Blessings

First Post

This is my first posting. I've decided to start blogging and share my feeling with all to see. Since no one, or very few of you, will find out my true identity (or even care less if you do or don't want to know), I think it safe enough.

There are many things on my mind right now, but first things first...an introduction.

What does my name mean? Dragonfly is one of my totems and Bodhisattva is a Buddhist concept. Instead of defining it I'll just let you look that information up for yourself. Then put the two names together and there you have it.

What is the significance to me? A lot. Dragonfly is a fierce and patient hunter, who is very adamant at times in catching his prey. This lesson teaches me to not give up for those things that I truly want and need in my life, to be determined to succeed in all endeavors. The Bodhisattva teaches me that no matter how much I may have, there are others who will have more, and others who will have less.

I also consider myself to be a growing Mystic...one who sees beyond the surface and tries to discover and learn beyond that which can by normal means. I don't believe that any ONE religions has all the answers, but each has a piece or two of the puzzle of the Great Mystery. For any religion to say that it is the One True Religion is fooling itself, deceiving others as well as themselves. If 'God' is so vast, how can one perception, one perspective and/or one view be the one and only true one?

I am also a 3rd degree Wiccan High Priest. No, I don't worship Satan or devils or evil. I believe in the cycles nature, following the earth-centered consciousness and living in accordance with saving and living WITH the planet and Her creatures rather than manipulating, raping and destroying it.

So there's that. There will be more to follow later.

Blessings