091228

It's been awhile since I've written. Many things have been going on in my life. Isn't it funny how Life itself can become so busy during a holiday, even if one doesn't even buy into the whole materialistic side of the holiday?

I've been very depressed for the past few months, but hiding it as best I can. Many people can see through my guise, but most can't. I'm lonely, even though there are many people around me. I miss having someone special in my life: someone I can share the ups and downs with, someone to laugh and cry with, someone to sleep and cuddle with, someone to just love and be loved by... ***sigh*** How I miss that! I haven't even had sex with someone else for 5 months! I just don't feel very sexual most of the time, and even with myself I can't really maintain the momentum.

I'd like to find the ideal mate, if that's possible. I've even been considering doing spellwork...a 45-day spell detailing each detail/trait that I'm looking for. The problem is, should I start it on the Full Moon or New Moon? I'm thinking the New Moon so at the peak of power it will be the Full Moon after all 45 traits have been requested and sent out. Now to come up with the 45 traits ;)

I'm very upset the my oldest son, who will be 21yo tomorrow, didn't even call me for Christmas. I had my two other sons with me, but the oldest never even called. I'm not sure if I'm more hurt than angry.

This area is really getting to me. I feel trapped, with no money and no where to go for help. Neither church can help, family can't help, friends can't help, and the County won't help because I owe them $230 from 2 years ago. Suffocating, that's what I feel most of the time. I'm tired of the people and their attitudes. I just want to run away, find some solitude somewhere, but I can't.