100118

Feeling very frustrated at the moment. Trying to rise above this frustration and understand it more. Perhaps this frustration, or rather the source of the frustration, is the catalyst I need to change my reality. I think that I'll let things proceed as they will, paying attention to my feelings as I go along. If things need to change because I cannot tolerate this situation, then I'll really push for Barnes and Noble in February, since that's when they'll be hiring.

Baduktai T'Caem

100113

Today I put in my application and resume at Barnes and Noble. I need a change from DD. I like the job and most of the people, but sometimes the stress really overwhelms me and starts wreaking havoc on my health, mental/emotional/physical. I did ask the Elements' blessings, as well as the L/L's.

Today is an okay day, I suppose. Just feel withdrawn and 'out there,' if anyone can really know what that means. Oh well. I have to work tomorrow, basically to make up my calling in yesterday (which I really don't mind...I won't be minus one day of pay in next week's check).

Baduktai T'Caem (my personal Blessing words from Spirit)
Namaste

100111

Life is but a Journey...Death isn't the Destination but only a doorway into the next reality, and thus the start of a new Journey.

I've been really considering quitting my job and finding something new. I'm tired of rude and ignorant people, even though in any job I might fight there will always be rude and ignorant people. But I feel the job I'm in now make people more worse, more agitated, and more ignorantly rude. I so need a change in my life: a new locale, a new job, new opportunities.

I also would like to find a Life Partner. I'm tired of being alone, feeling so unloved. I know that I'm loved by other friends and family, but I want to be loved by someone special, someone close, someone intimately.

100106

Happy New Year. Well at least one of them during a year's time. I think that there should be several new beginnings each year to start again. Humans constantly fall short of their dreams, goals and ideals. Being realistic about our humanness and our frailties and failings will enable us to become better spiritual beings, regardless if we believe that we are or not. We're human. We make mistakes. What better way to help us learn is but by getting up, brushing ourselves off, forgiving ourselves and starting again. I've always believed that there are 3 basic keys to Happiness: to Forgive, To Let Go and To Move On. But a greater universal truth is that Life is but a practice: we may succeed and fail, but the thing is to never quit. Learn from our mistakes, be mindful of the world around us and learn as much as we can, from each other, from our universe and from ourselves.

Namaste

091228

It's been awhile since I've written. Many things have been going on in my life. Isn't it funny how Life itself can become so busy during a holiday, even if one doesn't even buy into the whole materialistic side of the holiday?

I've been very depressed for the past few months, but hiding it as best I can. Many people can see through my guise, but most can't. I'm lonely, even though there are many people around me. I miss having someone special in my life: someone I can share the ups and downs with, someone to laugh and cry with, someone to sleep and cuddle with, someone to just love and be loved by... ***sigh*** How I miss that! I haven't even had sex with someone else for 5 months! I just don't feel very sexual most of the time, and even with myself I can't really maintain the momentum.

I'd like to find the ideal mate, if that's possible. I've even been considering doing spellwork...a 45-day spell detailing each detail/trait that I'm looking for. The problem is, should I start it on the Full Moon or New Moon? I'm thinking the New Moon so at the peak of power it will be the Full Moon after all 45 traits have been requested and sent out. Now to come up with the 45 traits ;)

I'm very upset the my oldest son, who will be 21yo tomorrow, didn't even call me for Christmas. I had my two other sons with me, but the oldest never even called. I'm not sure if I'm more hurt than angry.

This area is really getting to me. I feel trapped, with no money and no where to go for help. Neither church can help, family can't help, friends can't help, and the County won't help because I owe them $230 from 2 years ago. Suffocating, that's what I feel most of the time. I'm tired of the people and their attitudes. I just want to run away, find some solitude somewhere, but I can't.

091212

Not feeling too well today. Had to get up early for work. Now my stomach aches and I have to keep running to the restroom to relieve myself. Uggghhh, I hate being sick!

So many things to do and so little time to do it, it seems. The story of Life. Oh well.

Blessings

091211

Today is an okay day I suppose. Not really happy about opening at 4am tomorrow morning, but what can I do? Nothing. At least I have a job.

I'm really looking forward to Yule next weekend. Not sure what to expect though. I've never done an overnight ritual with the coven. I'm really not looking forward to going outside and tending the fire in the middle of the night, but I'll deal.

People are getting more and more miserable when it gets closer to Christmas. I find that very disconcerting. It's supposed to be a joyous event to them, yet they seem like they have totally forgot the meaning behind the whole event. As a Pagan, I see Yule/Christmas as the birth of the Sun Child, the Bringer of Light to the world, whether we name that child Christ, or Lugh or whatever. It's still Hope wrapped up in a blanket, waiting to grow.

Blessings